


start to cough, taste the butane

by Cirkne



Series: put your body through mad abuse [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Gen, Kind of angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 07:33:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11122668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirkne/pseuds/Cirkne
Summary: He’s etched being hurt into his bones, made himself into a tree branch.





	start to cough, taste the butane

After they release him from the hospital, ugly crutches and all, he realizes there is nowhere to go. He hasn’t seen or talked to his parents for almost a year and his grandparents who have been paying for his expenses since his parents left, although loving and generous, live all the way in California. All he has now is broken bones and walls covered in soot. All he has now is the parking lot of a hospital.

Someone’s supposed to come talk to him, figure out what to do. They had asked him to come in himself and he had said no. _Refusing to admit there’s a problem is the worst thing you can do to yourself in this situation,_ his doctor had said, and Jake had ignored him because that’s how he’s been doing it for years. If the girl you’ve been trying to get with for a year leaves you there’s a chance to find another one, if the other one dumps you, you can get back with your ex, if your parents are running from the law it means you have the house to yourself. He doesn’t know what it means when your best friend burns down your house and you break your legs trying to escape the fire.

His phone, probably on the last of its battery by now, buzzes in his pocket and Jake has to lean on one of his crutches to get it. Chloe’s asking if she should come pick him up. They were never a good couple. They’ll never _be_ a good couple. She is the ocean and there is only so long you can swim before you start drowning. Still, she is only a bad person when she wants to be and there is no other place to go, so he tells her yes and then breathes out, slowly. He has time until she shows up. He has time after that, too. 

He considers visiting Rich, demanding an explanation, convincing himself that Rich would never do this, but he doesn’t actually know what Rich would do. Has never known. They’re best friends, but they barely know each other. It’s a scary thought but it’s true. He doesn’t think he’s known anyone, ever. At least not the way you’re supposed to know people close to you. 

His body feels heavy. His legs, of course, but also his arms. There was a lot of talk about the broken bones and none about the bruises. They heal faster so they’re not important. They heal faster so the pain doesn’t matter, but Jake had spent way too long looking at himself in the horrible hospital bathroom. He wonders if the reason hospital bathrooms do not have mirrors is so you couldn’t see yourself for what you really are: a body with paper thin skin and glass fragile bones. His chest is a painting of blooming lilacs, of lavender fields. You can see the outline of his ribs, like a cage for his organs. They are birds and they want to escape captivity. His heart flutters impatiently. It is unfair that he still holds onto it.

He misses being a kid. Misses running in the backyard of his home, his mother watching him through the kitchen window. He misses having a dog and a bedtime. Misses his father making breakfast way too early for a Saturday, waking him up by opening his blinds and letting the sun hit his face. Jake misses everything being simple. Misses not having to pretend that everything is fine and he’s happy and--

His head hurts. His head hurts and he’s tired and he never thought he’d have trouble standing, but that’s what happens when you jump out of a window to escape your burning house. Somewhere between the ashes there’s a picture of him and Rich, making faces at Chloe’s camera from when he was still dating her. Somewhere between the ashes there’s the illusion that everything’s fine, and by that he means somewhere in the ruins of the only home he’s ever known there’s the ashes of everything that kept him from breaking down, and now it’s all gone, and all he has is his ex girlfriend coming to pick him up from the same hospital where his best friend is recovering from the fire he set. 

He should be angry at Rich. Should be furious. Should have told the police it wasn’t an accident when they asked him, but he’s exhausted. He doesn’t want to talk to people in blue uniforms, pretending they care about him like they did when his parents left. Like they’re there for him and not just out to catch the criminals. Like he isn’t an afterthought to them or anyone else for that matter. The first time they told him it wasn’t his fault so many times he started wondering if maybe it was. 

He’s shaking. He’s still wearing his Halloween costume and November air is not kind to him. One of the nurses had asked if she should get someone to bring him more clothes from home, and he did not know how to tell her that he had no one and nowhere to go, so he settled for telling her that the costume made him feel special. Settled for smiling. Settled for saying that the pain was at a four when it felt so much worse. 

That’s what he’s been doing, right? Telling people the pain is bearable when it’s hard to move. Pretending he’s not choking on smoke. Pretending he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning. Pretending he isn’t _wishing_ he was drowning. He’s etched being hurt into his bones, made himself into a tree branch. Easy to snap. To break. He’ll fall down beneath his own weight soon. The person he’s made himself out to be crushing the person he is. The sad truth of being the most popular guy in school.

Chloe picks him up in her father’s car. Gets out to help him climb into the back seat. Jake wishes he had the luxury of being too proud to let her help him. Closes his eyes. Does not wonder what Rich looks like with burns all over his body.

**Author's Note:**

> title from skeleton by the front bottoms 
> 
> @tadaffodil on twitter and @safebird on tumblr if u wanna talk bmc


End file.
